For as long as I can remember, I was told girls could do anything boys could do.

It sounded empowering — and I believed it. I worked hard. I played by the rules. I earned gold stars and glowing report cards. Like many girls, I was praised for being polite, responsible, quiet — and I learned that being “good” would be rewarded.

But I wasn’t encouraged to speak up. I wasn’t taught to take risks or question authority. And when I started my career, I quickly realized that the skills that had earned me praise in school weren’t the ones that earned respect at work.

Hard work didn’t always translate to recognition. Following the rules didn’t lead to opportunity. And speaking up — when I finally found the courage to try — didn’t guarantee I’d be heard.

The Illusion of Equality

We’ve been raised in a world that says, “You are equal.” And in many ways, we’ve made undeniable progress. But when you look closer — at the numbers, at the stories, at the daily experiences of women at work — the cracks begin to show.

• For every 100 men promoted into management, only 87 women receive the same opportunity — and for Black and Latina women, the numbers are even lower.
  
• Women who negotiate for their salary are more likely to face backlash, unless they’re doing it on behalf of someone else.
  
• Female leaders are consistently penalized for the same behaviors that male leaders are praised for — like being direct, ambitious, or decisive.

This isn’t ancient history. These are today’s facts.

The Problem with “Lean In”

The Lean In movement was born of good intentions. It encouraged women to challenge the socialization that taught us to be small — to take risks, speak up, stop waiting for permission. For many, it was empowering.

But here’s the uncomfortable truth: leaning in doesn’t always work. And when it backfires, it can leave women questioning themselves instead of the system that failed them.

I’ve heard countless stories — and lived my own — where stepping up didn’t open doors, it closed them. Where speaking out wasn’t seen as leadership, but as “too much.” Where advocating for a bold idea in a meeting resulted in silence, only to hear the same idea praised when voiced by a man ten minutes later.

When we don’t name these patterns, we leave women blaming themselves for not doing it right. For not being confident enough. For being too confident. For somehow not being enough while also being too much.

The Double Bind is Real

This is what researchers call a double bind: women are expected to be warm, modest, and agreeable — but leadership traits are coded as assertive, dominant, and self-assured.

So when a woman exhibits the qualities associated with leadership, she violates expectations. And when she doesn’t, she’s seen as not ready for leadership.

Damned if you do. Invisible if you don’t.

Add race, sexuality, disability, or any other marginalised identity into the mix, and these challenges are amplified even further. The rules are stricter. The backlash, more severe.

A Smarter Way Forward: The Paradox Mindset

So what do we do?

We stop telling women they just need to be more — more confident, more assertive, more bold — and start helping them navigate reality with strategy and self-awareness.

Enter the Paradox Mindset.

This approach isn’t about choosing between being warm or strong, assertive or collaborative. It’s about recognizing that you can be both — and that the most effective leaders know when to lead with each.

It’s about situational awareness. Reading the room. Knowing when to push and when to pause. Not as a way to dim your light, but as a way to keep the power on.

I wish I could say, “Just be unapologetically yourself.” And for some, in certain contexts, that’s possible. But for many of us — especially early in our careers or outside positions of privilege — that advice can be risky. And it’s okay to acknowledge that.

Power isn’t just about presence. It’s about choice. And the more tools you have, the more agency you gain.

You’re Not Imagining It — You’re Not Alone — and You’re Not the Problem

If you’ve ever felt like the workplace wasn’t designed with you in mind, you’re not imagining it.

If you’ve ever been told “you’re intimidating” or “not ready,” while watching others get rewarded for the same behavior, you’re not imagining it.

And if you’ve ever felt unsure whether it’s even worth speaking up, you’re not imagining that cost either.

But here’s what I believe: awareness is power. And when we stop blaming ourselves and start seeing the bigger picture, we can change not only our own outcomes — but the system itself.

It starts with truth-telling. With naming the paradoxes. With supporting each other, sharing what works, and paving a smarter path forward.

Not by leaning in blindly — but by leading with clarity.

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It’s your career, own it.