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Corporate leadership development programs often use frameworks to explain different levels of leadership. Many follow the flow of leading the self, leading teams, and leading teams of teams. Some go from leading self, to leading people, to leading the business.
Whatever categories they use, they all start with the same stage. One that’s so often skipped over in real life but when ignored it’s like trying to build a house without a foundation. It’s not just poorly built, it’s shaky and unsustainable.
Do you feel like you have a sturdy foundation from which you can step into your potential? Or is your self-leadership standing on shaky ground?
To illustrate the importance of self-leadership, I’ll share a case where confidence held a woman back and how she recognized that she needed to take the lead herself.
Meet Rose
I was coaching a woman recently whose story I’ve heard in one form or another dozens of times. This particular woman, let’s call her Rose, wanted help preparing for a job interview.
She admitted to being nervous and when probed further on this, Rose said she fidgets with her hands, hunches over, and struggles with eye contact. Ultimately even what she says makes her seem smaller. She undermines herself and comes off as someone who doesn’t seem to believe she can do the job.
Rose shared this lack of self-belief has even led to losing jobs in the past, where she knows she’s good at a job, but she gets it in her head that she isn’t and things start falling apart.
Her lack of confidence was killing her career and losing her opportunities before she even got in the door. She had heard from at least one interviewer that on the initial phone call, she came across well but then when he interviewed her in person, she seemed completely different and not as capable. He couldn’t hire her. Rose was afraid this was going to happen in her upcoming interview as well.
Her strengths
Before jumping into techniques for coming across more confidently in the interview, I wanted to understand why she felt this way internally. We started by establishing that underneath it all, she really does see herself as a capable professional. I asked her to lay out reasons why she was good at her previous jobs.
She demurred but I pushed. What feedback have you received about your performance?
Slowly Rose started sharing stories about making small but meaningful positive impacts through her work. Many people, including her superiors and clients, had praised her performance. While she spoke, I made a list of her attributes and abilities that were clearly strengths.
It was easy to see Rose loved the work she had done. When she got into sharing these stories with me, her face lit up. She was smiling, sitting tall and open, gesturing for emphasis, and had a spark in her eye – the ideal enthusiasm and body language to portray in an interview.
Next, I wanted to discuss those challenges she’s faced that made her feel small. I asked about specific instances and examples where her confidence took a hit. When have you ever felt not good enough?
Her challenges
Rose shared two experiences which visibly made her uncomfortable to talk about. A pattern was emerging where, in the absence of positive feedback, in uncertain and difficult situations, her mind was filling in blanks with negative assumptions. Telling herself that people thought she was stupid, they were laughing at her, she was bad at her job, and so on.
This in part was fueled by a language barrier. English was her second language and Rose started overthinking what people were saying, feeling like she was missing something and again, filling that gap with a self-defeating answer. But there was more to it.
Her doubts were being reinforced by a core belief that she wasn’t good enough in some way.
I challenged her to reframe both experiences in a more positive light – what she could learn from each, what she could have done differently, but also what she did well – until she was sharing and believing a more compassionate and realistic perspective.
Then I asked her what she was going to do when another difficult (trigger) situation came up. Because there will always be situations that challenge your sense of self and your abilities. What has she learned that she can apply to future hurdles?
She paused and thought for a minute.
Her beliefs
And then Rose confessed something I didn’t see coming.
She told me that when she looks in the mirror, the voice in her head tells her, “You’re nothing.”
Given everything we’d already covered, I replied, “Do you really believe that to be true?”
“No,” she didn’t hesitate to answer.
Rose went on to share a deeply personal story of long-term abuse by someone close to her, who instead of lifting her up, tore her down day after day until his constant degradation permeated her inner dialogue. She could start to see how his voice was echoing in her head but also, and more importantly, that what he was saying wasn’t true.
Instead of fighting that self-defeating monologue, Rose had taken a backseat in her career and was letting those negative beliefs sink in and take hold. But she wanted so much more for herself and knew she had it in her.
She wanted to step up in her career, and to do that, she needed to lead herself more effectively.
What started as an interview coaching session turned into an exploration of how to reconnect with who she is, discover her identity, and step into her potential. Sadly, this is a conversation I’ve had with countless women. Each one a brilliant, caring, talented professional who has her self-esteem stripped away from her until she can’t see her own worth.
Moving forward
If you’re curious, these were the two main techniques Rose and I explored to disrupt her script and start moving forward:
Challenging her inner critic: Taking your thoughts to court is an exercise inspired by cognitive behavioral therapy. Low self-esteem is so often fed by core self beliefs that keep you down.
- To get into a habit of more compassionate self-talk and turn your inner critic into a friend, take those negative beliefs (e.g. I am bad at my job),
- write down evidence that supports this (e.g. a disappointed client)
- and evidence that contradicts it (e.g. stellar performance reviews),
- to generate a more balanced statement (e.g. overall, I’m great at my job but maybe I have an opportunity to improve my client interaction skills).
- The first step is noticing what your inner critic is saying and observing its effect on you and your behaviors. Then make challenging it into a habit until you more naturally come to that balanced perspective.
Keeping a positivity journal: Rose had forgotten who she was and what she was capable of. This journal would be her place to reconnect with that identity. By making a regular practice of noticing the positives, she could rebuild that belief in herself.
To get started, note things…
- you like about yourself,
- your positive characteristics,
- challenges you’ve overcome,
- your key skills, and
- what others say they like about you.
From there, list 1-3 things each day that demonstrate your positive qualities.
Consistent reflection helps get you out of your head to see things more clearly and enables you to learn from negative experiences without spiraling into self-blame. It can also help you properly recognize achievements and give yourself credit.
It’s not your fault if you have low self-confidence. It’s the result of external biases and systemic inequalities taking their toll day after day that often become internalized.
Was Rose to blame for losing her self-esteem? I think you’d agree that it was taken from her, but there’s no one else who can do the work of rebuilding it. And that realization was the first step she had to take.
From comfort to courage
Maybe your case isn’t as severe, maybe it’s more so. A lack of self-confidence has kept my career squarely within my comfort zone in the past. It wasn’t until I did the work to build my confidence, along with my resilience, assertiveness, self-advocacy and other skills that I really started pursuing my ambitions, making bold moves, and finding meaning in my work.
I believe this lack of leading the self is a major contributor to the gender gap in the workplace.
Right from the start of their careers, where 81 women are getting promoted to that first management role for every 100 men, we’re being overlooked and in order to be seen we need to step up and speak up. That takes courage and a heck of a lot of confidence.
This is my mission – encouraging women to make the conscious decision to be the leader of their own careers – because far too often, we keep ourselves down and our potential is left untouched.
